Currently Listening Wild Hope By Mandy Moore see related

exactly one year later...

Currently Listening All That We Needed By Plain White T's see related

contentment: hard to come by, easy to live with

this year has been a year of firsts. lots of them. and i must say, this christmas was the first in three years that I have enjoyed. and by enjoy i mean not being depressed and crying and wanting to shut myself in my room for all eternity. i don't know why but after 2004, with the death of 2 good friends and just an all around trying and tough year, i haven't been able to enjoy Christmas again until this year. and it's so refreshing to enjoy such a wonderful time of the year again. I don't know what went wrong up until now, but I'm glad that whatever it was is over.

so usually i still feel this emptiness after i've opened all my presents and my stocking. i have so much more than I did, but i feel the same. like all i've gained is the enjoyment of seeing what was inside the wrapped boxes under the tree. this year i think i had less presents than usual, just because my extended family just sent money instead of presents, which their stash usually gives my brother and me twice of what we had originally. so i just had the ones from my parents...erm, santa. right. but i feel so much better with just those, which i knew all but one thing that i got and they were all things that will come in use and i really love. i seriously was smiling throughout the day yesterday for NO reason. i usually have a reason behind smiling randomly, but i honestly couldn't find a reason, and really i didn't need one. it was that my family and I were sitting down, eating homemade italian manicotti, drinking coffee listening to the Christmas story being read, a family tradition, and mom and I couldn't stop laughing the entire time....from pure joy! that was amazing. and there was no room for disappointment. there is always one gift that is kind of....oh. that. like socks or something. that you have no use or desire for whatsoever. but there was nothing like that. THIS....what i've experienced in the past day or two, is how Christmas should be. I'm happy with what I have, I'm content with where I am, and I can smile for no reason. and I think this is the first time that I've felt this way about Christmas. and I'm so glad I've realized all of this.

you know, it's strange. I distinctly remember writing something in a journal at the end of '05 which kept coming back to my mind alllll through this past year. I wrote that 'this year is my year to shine'. I really felt like I did. especially towards the end of the year. I proved myself to...well, myself. and I'm my hardest critic. I've reached goals I had hoped to reach. I've come out of my shell, i've found myself in some sense. I've become more comfortable just being myself. and that's really hard for me to do. all in all, i'm pretty pleased. but what's even better is that I see '07 being absolutely amazing. I'm glad that I had my chance to shine as I had hoped to see this past year, now I hope that my intuition about 2007 will be just as true. '06 was kind of the set up for how awesome '07 is going to be. I'm very excited to see what's in store.

i find it feels more like a birthday when people don't make a big deal out of it.
it could just be the age i turned. but it actually felt like a birthday this year. not just another day.
i always said i'd feel old when I turned 17. i don't feel old...but for once in my life, i think i can tell someone how old I am and keep my chin up at the same time. i always hated when my age sounded young, but I didn't feel it.

some people enjoy childhood the most. they get older and wish they were a kid again, or they keep acting like a kid to stay young. i have my moments like that....but i was the kid who acted older, and couldn't wait to be older. and i'm still doing that...waiting for college, to work towards the career i've always wanted, to find love, and in the way distant future, to get married. those are the years i've always looked forward to in my 17 short years. i couldn't tell you why...i guess i'm just the person who loves the feeling and sound of independence. it's so refreshing. heh, i love independence so much i've had thoughts of not getting married. but i see people who don't and how lonely they are at an older age, and i suppose that might not be the best.

when it comes to matters of the future, i always want to know what's going to happen. i am terrible at having secrets and information withheld from me...which is why i read ahead in books. i don't like sudden change, so if i know what's going to happen, i can prepare. like when sirius and dumbledore died....i already knew before i was finished with the first couple chapters. the suspense of who was going to died was too intense. i had to know so i could enjoy the rest of the book.

that's how I am with life. the only problem is...we don't know what we want to know when we want to know it. life isn't a book you can look ahead to...the answers to everything we need to know aren't always clear, they aren't always right in front of our face. sometimes if we just sit still they come to us, usually when we're not looking for them is when they seem to fall right from the sky. but the suspense makes the answer mean something when it comes. if you were to get an answer to everything you asked right when you asked it...you wouldn't really be learning anything. when you wait and search for the answers you want, they mean something to you.

sometimes we look at hopeless situations, throw up our hands, and just get frusterated. but through perseverance comes victory. sometimes we can't see how things are going to unfold because it's not our place to see it. maybe we're not ready to accept an answer to our question when we want it, but at the right time when it is revealed it us, we can accept it and use it to our benefit.

i've learned a lot recently. i've actually felt a bit high on life.no, not anything else. i dont know where it came from, but i just came to the realization that worrying won't make a difference. stuff happens that is out of our hands. the best thing we can do is wait. and why waste our time worrying while we wait? it's a learning process we all must endure at some point. but people make their own decisions, even if we don't understand them or approve of them, and that is their decision. we just have to keep living our lives and let them live theirs and figure it out on their own. that is their learning experience, we can't learn it for them. they have to see what they have and what they are missing out on and make the choice for themselves.

well, this is a lot longer than i expected. lyric time! just one song this time around.
by local artist, Josh Phiffer. this is the song playing on my myspace. it's amazing.

"Truth and Second Chances"

silence that screams between your words
it's so deafening
the conversation isn't needed now
i understand everything
as you look towards the floor
to avoid awkward glances
with my eyes i search for truth and second chances
you play with your hair like you do when you're nervous
searching deep within for reason and purpose
I'm so afraid of love

just as the sun begins to set, i start my questioning
is this love i'm afraid of or is it me?
cause you were the one that taught me to believe in second chances
and that the simplest things can be the most romantic
i need you now, now more than ever
to show me how we'll keep this thing together
and I'm so afraid of love

so hey, don't be that way
just tell me everything will be ok
hey, don't be that way
everything will be ok
cause I am not afraid

lyrics, lyrics, lyrics

here they go down, down into my belly....

oh, i had quite an anchorman-like experience this week. go on a news set...it's exactly the same.

so i've been listening to Plain White T's allll weekend. they're my new favorite.
because their lyrics can easily be related to basically any situation.

{When you left me you promised there was no one else
At least that was your story}

but i seriously feel like 3/4 of all their lyrics are freakishly my life. and i love it so much.
i mean...it just blows my mind. i can't even describe. just read some of these...
( i'll underline the stuff that really applies, so much it freaks me out)
i promise they're worth reading...the first and last apply the most.

-A Lonely September- (consider this whole song underlined. it all applies)

"I'm sittin' here all by myself
just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind

Oh, I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
but I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
that you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me
You know the holidays are coming up
I don't want to spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
will just kill me if I'm on my own

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
we just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight
one more chance tonight

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it's not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby won't you take my hand
we've got nothing left to prove"

-Anything-

"I see your face in the frame on my desk
It meant a lot, now it means a lot less
It's just a place for the dust in my room to rest

I see the letters that were written for me
They said you cared and I totally believed
They didn't mention that 5 months later you'd leave  

I see the bracelet you gave me back then
Made it for me so I'd never forget
It must of worked cause I haven't forgotten you yet

we'd talk for hours before you'd go down
That was before you decided not to keep me around

You could've told me why you had to go
I tried to tell myself just let it go
But I see your face
It's everywhere I go"

-Can't Turn Away-

"Can't stop believing no matter how long it takes
It might kill me to keep on dreaming
but I'd rather die than throw it away

I don't know how much more of this I can handle
But I know that good things come to those who wait
And better things will come to those who don't give up
So mine should be coming any day"

{ i won't post them, because it would be applying to someone else, but the song Cinderella Story}

-Come Back to Me-

"Everything you say or do
I am always there for you
Whether you're laughing or you're screaming
No one else could take your place
I will always see your face
When I'm awake and when I'm dreaming

Cause I believe there's a place for you and me in this crazy world

If you'd come running back to me I'll be here waiting
Cause I still believe in a love worth saving
If you could see the sad look on my face
You'd be in your car headed back to my place
Come back to me, I'll be here waiting
Cause I'm on my knees and my love's not fading
If you could see the sad look on my face
You'd be in your car headed back to my place

I can't stand to watch you go
Cause in my head deep down I know
I don't wanna live without you
I love the way we stay up late
The way you laugh at your mistakes
I love everything about you"

-Down the Road- ( i like this chorus)

"Gotta got away from here,
Find a way to disappear,
Say goodbye to everything and everyone I know,
Gotta go and leave this town,
All it does is bring me down,
I just wanna tell my friends no matter where I go,
I'll see them down the road"

-Leavin'-  (this entire song = my life!)

"You're doin' it again, you know
Sometimes I don't even know who you are
And I don't think you know how bad it hurts
'Cause you don't have to see the scars
If you knew how bad you made me feel
You'd never do a thing like this again
But if it's just a game you're playing
I don't think I'll make it to the end
I don't think I'd last that long
baby, I'm not that strong
So if you care about me you've gotta stop acting this way

Or I'm leavin' today
I'll say goodbye to my favorite face
Don't wanna go, but I just can't stay
And be treated, I won't be treated this way

At times I think I love you
And at times I know I've finally found the one
But it's times like this that make me feel
The game of love has only just begun
You know I'd never leave
But making threats to you could be the only way
I love everything about you
But when I'm in doubt then something's gotta change"

ok i believe i'm done.
those lyrics are amazing. and my life.
basically.
and you're amazing if you read them. thank you.

Currently Listening We Were Here By Joshua Radin see related

from the heart...

too many choices tear us apart
i don't want to live like that
too many choices tear us apart
i dont want to love like that
i just want to touch your heart

may this confession be the start...

there's a difference between 'moving on' and 'getting over it'. some things, such as a death or a detachment from someone who has played a key role in your life, can't ever be gotten over. we can move on, but that doesn't mean we don't think about it every single day of our life. we may not twiddle our thumbs over it, but that doesn't mean we don't wish it was fixed. we may not shed a tear, but that is no consolation for the piece of us that's lost. getting over something is equivalent to not looking back. sometimes we look back so we can relive the wonderful times we had, but sometimes people get over it so the aren't hurt by the fact that those wonderful times are over.  

i am also finding out that a HUGE amount of teenagers like being in relationships to have a title. when they don't have a title to a relationship with someone, they're lost. they don't know who they are, they're constantly searching for the next title with someone else.
what is that? 
i have discovered that it's not the title at all {i mean, i knew that, but now it's firsthand}. it's the person. someone you enjoy spending time with. someone you can't imagine not being in your life, who has shaped who you are...but in a good way. you see them in your life 10 years down the road. who is a part of what you're becoming. who you can joke with, who you can have serious talks with. you smile when they walk in the room, not because you have butterflies in your stomach, but because you feel safe now that they are near. knowing they are in your life makes you the happiest person alive. knowing they're safe puts your heart at ease. you think back to the day you first met and think 'how did i live my life before that day', because they have made your life complete ever since. nothing can go wrong when they are there. you're 100% yourself around them....THAT kind of person. why does a title matter if you have that? i just don't understand how people could think so selfishly...why it's always about how they look, what the title means to them, all about them. if it's someone who was described above and beyond....why settle for less? you settle for the person. they make the relationship, not what it is classified as.

and if this meant having the person in your life without the title, you'd be perfectly happy with that. it doesn't matter what it is considered, as long as they are always a presence in your life. <3